He still whispers in my dreams..

I just want to sleep at night. I want to know I’m sane. I want to know it wasn’t me, that I’m not the one to blame. I really want to smile, even when it’s dark, but every time I close my eyes, he whispers in my ear. I feel his hands around my neck, and I feel the fear. I want to dream of peaceful things, please give me back my bliss. I ask to be forgiven, God, for every wrong I’ve done. I want to see the good again, and prove that I’m not weak. I want to trust myself, that’s all.

Lieber Gott hörst Du mir zu? Ich finde heute keine Ruh. Verzeih mir was ich falsch gemacht, und schenk mir bitte eine gute Nacht.

Protected: Too good with good-bye..

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Protected: Maybe he’s manic….

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forget your Once upon a time…

You find your life standing still, nothings going right. You say that you’re not happy, and that you’re giving up. I told you that I’d do my best, and that I’ve always got your back, but you leave me her alone to guess what It is you need. I ask you what’s your biggest goal, you avoid, then say its ME. I stay on task and ask anew, what do you what from YOU. You tell me all your troubles, and how they’re in your way, but still you do not answer what’s you’re goal TODAY. Maybe you’ve got lemons, I know I’ve had my own, but lemons are like stones you know, they’re not so hard to throw.

Another day, another tale, I’m fighting on your side. I wish that you would realize that life is a work of art, nothing in it’s perfect, and NOTHING IS EVER FREE. Put down your drink and turn around, take the time to think.  I want to know your hopes and dreams, but not your once upon a time. Leave the past behind you and, burn the bridges that need to go. Take the time to find yourself, then together we’ll take aim.

People I see…

I am a horrible writer,with  that said, I find myself often dreaming, thinking, and making up stories about people I see.  I like to imagine their lives, why they are doing what they are doing, and how they landed in my path.

Last night, walking into the train station after work, heading for a pack of smokes before starting my usual zig-zag path through the city   to get home, I saw a girl. I have seen this girl, nearly everyday for weeks. I’ve seen her reading, I’ve seen her writing, I’ve seen her scolding the men around her to behave. Although I cannot judge her age, and haven’t had the courage to ask, she cannot be older than 20. Always sitting, keeping to herself, bundled in a thin quilt, with a small plastic box of coins in front of her. I have never heard her asking for money, and until last night I had never stopped to give her any.

While inside the station buying my weekly dose of cancer sticks, I though, I know these things are horrible for me, and horrible expensive to say the least. Then I realized, I have NEVER seen this young homeless girl smoking, never seen her with a drink in her hand like all those around her, thus crushing my usual excuse for not handing over my change. Hmm..She might make good use of a few bucks, I thought. Before passing the door to start my journey home,  I pulled out all the euro coins I could find floating through my handbag, 6 Euros total. I walked out, placed the coins in the girls box and without a word, walked off.

It takes me 15 minutes on a good day, to make my way home. Last night it took a little longer, maybe it was because of the cold, maybe it was because I was writing this girls story in my head.

I imagine her as a school kid, happy to go to class. She was probably pretty popular, she seems friendly enough, and under the messy hair she is a very pretty girl. I can imagine, she was good in German, probably English too, in my mind Math was just not her thing. I have no evidence to support this theory, other than always witnessing her reading and writing away in a notebook.

She doesn’t seem to be on drugs, but I guess her parents must have been, or maybe they are dead. I have no idea how such a young person lands on the streets, and It kind of breaks my heart. Maybe I will grow a pair and ask her someday, why she’s sitting there.

I know that my 6 Euros, cannot buy her a warm place to sleep, but I hope that she at least didn’t have to sleep hungry last night. I hope and pray that whatever it is she is reading everyday, whatever she is writing will somehow change her life. I will continue to believe that she is writing the next best seller, and that my 6 euros bought her the meal that gave her the strength to do so. 😀